Sounding “Aware” While Staying the Same
There is a type of client who can walk into counselling and speak like they have already done the work. They know the words, trauma, boundaries, triggers, self sabotage, inner child, nervous system, accountability, self care. They can describe their childhood in detail, explain their attachment style, name their coping mechanisms, and talk about healing with the confidence of a person who should be changing fast. Then you look at their life and nothing is moving. Same chaos, same broken trust, same relationship damage, same financial mess, same relapses, same excuses, just with better language.
In addiction work this is common, because addiction is not only substance use, it is also the need to stay in control of the story. If you can control the story, you can keep people hopeful, keep them calm, keep them waiting, keep them funding, and keep them believing that progress is happening even when behaviour is not changing. Counselling becomes another tool to manage perception, and families fall for it because they desperately want to believe that insight equals improvement.
Why Insight Can Become a Trap
Insight feels productive. It feels like movement. It feels like the person is finally being honest. But insight is not the same as behaviour change, and in addiction, behaviour is the only thing that pays back the damage. A person can understand why they drink, why they use, why they gamble, why they lie, and still keep doing it because understanding does not remove compulsion. Understanding also does not repair trust, because trust is built on predictability, not on explanations.
Some people hide behind insight because it gives them a moral shield. If they can explain their pain, they can soften consequences. If they can talk about their trauma, they can make the family feel guilty for holding boundaries. If they can describe their anxiety, they can justify being unreliable. None of that means the person is faking their pain. It means pain is being used as a bargaining chip, and bargaining is one of addiction’s favourite games.
Counselling Performance Has a Look
When counselling becomes performance, certain patterns show up. The client talks brilliantly in the room, then collapses outside the room. They apologise fluently, then repeat the same behaviour quickly. They promise routines, meetings, rehab follow ups, medication compliance, then “something happens” and it all slips. They focus on feelings but avoid practical steps. They want validation but resist accountability. They ask for empathy as if empathy should replace consequences.
A big tell is when every session becomes an update on how the world has treated them, rather than a review of what they did with the week. Another tell is when they talk about boundaries as a weapon, not a responsibility. They say, I am setting boundaries, but what they mean is, do not question me. They say, you are triggering me, but what they mean is, stop making me uncomfortable. They say, I am protecting my peace, but what they mean is, I am avoiding the hard conversations that come with real repair.
What Real Change Looks Like
Real change is rarely dramatic. It looks like routines that hold. It looks like attendance, not intention. It looks like honesty when honesty costs you something. It looks like phone calls you do not want to make, apologies without excuses, repayment plans, drug tests when appropriate, consistent support attendance, and an ability to sit in discomfort without punishing everyone around you.
Real change also looks like a shift in blame. The client stops talking mainly about what others have done to them and starts talking about what they did in response. They stop negotiating consequences and start accepting them. They stop using therapy as a shield and start using it as a workbench. They ask for help with practical problems, cravings, triggers, routines, conflict management, boredom, stress, and money. They do not only process feelings, they build skills.
Keep the Room Honest and the Goal Concrete
Counsellors get pulled into performance when they let sessions become storytelling without outcomes. In addiction counselling, a session needs a spine. What was the plan. What did you do. What did you avoid. What did you lie about. What did you tell yourself. What happened after that. What is the next step. If the work is not grounded, the counselling room becomes a place where the client feels better for an hour and then goes back to burning their life down with the comfort of having “worked on it.”
A strong counsellor does not only validate pain, they challenge behaviour. They also hold boundaries with clients who want to turn counselling into a friendship. They resist rescue dynamics. They do not become another person in the client’s enabling system. They keep referring back to commitments, follow through, and accountability. Counselling should not be a stage, it should be a training ground.
When Counselling Is Not Enough
There are times when counselling alone is not enough. If someone is physically dependent, medically unstable, at risk of withdrawal complications, suicidal, violent, or unable to stop using outside of sessions, they may need detox, inpatient treatment, or psychiatric support. Pretending that weekly counselling will hold a severe addiction is not optimism, it is denial dressed up as professional care.
This is another topic that sparks conversation because people love the idea of a gentle solution. But addiction severity matters. Risk matters. Safety matters. A responsible counselling platform should be willing to say, there are levels of care, and the right level is the one that matches the real risk, not the one that feels comfortable for the family budget or the client’s ego.
The Test That Ends the Debate
If you want to cut through therapy talk, ask one question. Would you trust this person with your bank card and your peace of mind right now. If the answer is no, then the language is not doing its job yet. Trust is not rebuilt through insight alone, it is rebuilt through predictable behaviour over time. Families should not be shamed for needing proof. Proof is how relationships recover from repeated betrayal.
For the client, this question is also useful. If you want people to trust you again, you need to do the unglamorous work, consistency, transparency, and follow through, especially when you feel irritated, misunderstood, or tired. That is not about perfection, it is about reliability.
Stop Performing and Start Building
The purpose of counselling is not to sound healed, it is to become safer, more honest, and more stable in real life. If therapy language is helping you dodge responsibility, you are not using counselling, you are using it. If you are a family member, do not confuse attendance with change. Support the process, but watch behaviour, not speeches. If you are a counsellor, keep the room grounded, challenge performance kindly but firmly, and make the plan measurable.
When counselling becomes real, it stops being a weekly story and starts being a weekly build. That is where the excuses run out, and that is where the person finally has a chance to change the only thing that matters, what they do next.